Stuff On My Mind

I know that I have posted a couple of times, but really haven't utilized this blog like I should be and I am not really sure if I can treat this kinda like I would a diary that everyone can read although I am not sure who reads it or if anyone reads it at all. Well, I have some things on my mind right now and really want them off my chest. So here ya go blogger/ blogspot/blog.

First: My heart goes out to all of the women that cannot get pregnant and carry babies. I am feeling very selfish in a way. I know that I can get pregnant or have at least previously been pregnant before. And right now, I am wanting to get pregnant so badly right now that it is all I think about everyday. I know what that feeling is like having a baby growing inside me. Hearing its heartbeat for the first time, feeling its first kicks, having indegestion and acid reflux because of its hair (which Tyler had a lot of), and my stomach getting bigger as the baby got bigger. I am yearning for that. I want so badly to show off a baby bump. But also knowing that right now is not the time for us to have a baby. We are not financially ready to have a baby, nor do we have room in this apartment for a baby. But I am just tired of saying that now is not the right time, and keep wondering when the right time is going to be. We have talked about maybe trying when our anniversary of being in Nashville rolls around. But I don't want to get my hopes up again, just like saying that we would start trying when I finish college, and I am no where near that. So that little scenario went out the door. I would rather it be sooner than later. Looking back at the way I am feeling about not being pregnant and wanting to be, compares nothing to the way all of the millions of women in the world that cannot be pregnant and have babies on their own. So if anyone who is part of that ratio and reads my blog, please know that my heart goes out to you.

Second: I want so badly to be part of a group of great friends here. Eventhough, I have left Opelika and moved to Franklin/Nashville, I am not sure what I had and what I have left behind. Part of me feels like, I made a stupid mistake on leaving friends, and part of me is excited about making new friends and actually finding my place. I felt that I just did not fit in with any group from church. I had a couple of friends from previous workplaces but I never really found my place. I wasknown as Tyler's mommy, Alyssa's sister, Marcia and Rick's daughter, Kenny's wife, the babysitter, and Cassie Frank, that annoying clingy red-headed girl from school.

I was friends with people that I babysat for but I felt at times that I was only their friend when they wanted me to watch their kids. But I was never invited to have dinner or cook-out with them as friends. I was not part of any group of girls that got together to play Bunco or go to the beach with. (Other than the beach trips with the clinic. And that ended when I left the clinic.) I never really felt like I had a place in our Sunday School class. We went to a couple of game nights but that is all we were invited to do. No one ever called to chat or go shopping with or have a drink after work with. Even though I don't post on my blog a lot (I am trying to post more), I only have 2 followers which kinda makes me sad. So... Pretty much the only friend who I love and care about so much lives out of town. Well... Kenny and I have one other couple that we are friends with but they live out of town as well.

I am thinking about deleting my facebook because it does nothing but make me upset and sad. I try not to look at peoples pictures, but I do it anyways. When I do, I see all of these people that I call friends and their lives that I am not really part of that I thought I was. Thank you so much to Facebook for opening my eyes.

I want so much for us to make new friends as a couple. I am hoping that once we find a church that we like and can go to regularly, maybe we can find our place with a new group of friends. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us in Franklin, TN.

If anyone reads this that has called me their friend, it is appreciated. I am going through a "Time" right now, but I do cherish the friendships that I had when I was in Opelika and I remember each and every one of them. And just a little "Thank You" to my best friend in Bessemer for always being my friend through thick and thin. I love you.